BREATHE

I am having one of my many anxiety high moments. I am becoming slightly overwhelmed concerning my personal conflict between the person I am and the person I want to be. Say what?

I want to write. But I also need to work. Obviously the paying job gets priority, but as a person I am suffocating. I spend 8 Hours at work answering phones, helping visitors and just acting like an efficient machine for others. When I get home I have about 3-4 hours to edit, but unfortunately I also have to do other chores too. Personally I want to finish editing my manuscript. I want to write on other projects but I just don't get the time. Weekends I still don't get to just write which is highly frustrating.

I am mentally pushing myself everyday, when in reality I just don't have the time to make all the changes I have to make. Not doing what my instincts tell me is making me feel as if though I am betraying my passion, as if I am not being true to myself.

The irony is that a few years ago I stopped writing completely and almost didn't notice the absence because I was so convinced that it was for the better. But now that I have to limit my writing intentionally...it is driving me insane!

I have to constantly remind myself to just breathe. Breathe...breathe and yes...breath.

I guess what I am whining about is spending 40 hours a week pretending to smile and answering phones when I wish I could rather spend it doing what I love. I bet if that was possible there would be a lot more happy people in the world. However, nothing is more frustrating than having tons of inspiration and ideas, but being incapable of implementing it.

It feels as if the writer part of me is dying to get out but the receptionist personality is standing in her way. Why can't the uptight witch be the less prominent personality!

Breathe...breathe...breathe and breathe...

I CAN'T STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING!

What is it about life that just makes some of us think we have any say or power in what happens to us? I think it is determination. As long as there is still a breath in my body I will try and create a better life or circumstances for myself. I just can't help it. Every time I say I am going to stop being controlling I just end up being even more obsessive and determined to succeed then before.

I have done many changes to my manuscript. I am constantly pushing myself to edit more and believe it or not...I am driving myself absolutely crazy. My body screams, ''enough already!'', while my brain just pushes on and says ''just one more chapter...just one more''. Talk about being conflicted.

I know that in the end it won't matter how fast I complete this manuscript. The result will be the same. I just have to learn to pace myself. I am surprised with my own enthusiasm to start submitting. I never wanted to submit my work before but suddenly as the manuscript is taking shape and no longer looking like gibberish, I have this compulsive urge to submit my manuscript.

But I have to force myself to be calm and focus on the job at hand. I have to finish editing my manuscript. I now understand why some writers hate editing. It takes forever to do and then you still have to go make the changes on the computer. But it is all necessary, I know. I think the trick to editing is taking long regular breaks. When you get to the stage where your shoulders ache or your butt has fallen asleep then it is definitely time for a break.

EDITING AGAIN

I feel like the phrase " I'm back '' is required after my 5 day absence from the blogging world. Though I know it is not required.

I know I might get a few tongue lashings for this but I finally got my other half of my manuscript (ms) back on Monday. I got a few very helpful suggestions. I however am editing it again myself. My friend didn't suggest any drastic changes or big issues with the ms and I personally feel that drastic changes need to be made. All in all I got a lot of credit for creativity. So I am happy with that. Guess being a bit of a drama queen comes in handy after all.

I have to get back to my large stack of unedited pages. Happy writing everybody.

A LITTLE GOES A LONG WAY

I have recently decided to change my blogging habits. I am forcing myself to blog a bit less and spend more time actually writing my novel. Thus far it is working out well. I have finished a whole chapter this week so I am delighted with that.

I won't lie, I rather like blogging. It is a good way for me to vent but I'm not really good at it. I just complain a lot.

I might have very little time but I make sure that I do something productive with the little time I do have. And since I started writing full force again, I sleep like a baby. No more insomnia either.

Time

Time is still the one factor that eludes us. The one thing we can't bend or break to fit our needs. Whether we want more time to finish a deadline or the ability to go back in time to fix past mistakes, we still crave the ability to have some what control of our destiny. At least that is how I feel.

I would love to just wake up one morning and press a little remote control and go forward in time about 5 years to see if I did have the guts to submit my manuscript or if I did get published. Just that little indication that you don't have to worry about the future that everything will be OK.

However that is not the way life works. You can only ever do the best that you can do. We can't change the past, but yet we live in it. We can't predict the future, but yet we fear it. Time is completely out of our control, yet we still try our best to manipulate it.

The worst thing for me about time is the fact that you have to have a huge amount of patience. I want to start submitting my manuscript now because I feel like life is passing me by, but deep down I know my work is not ready yet. I am trying to make life work out according to my plans, instead of me needing to adapt to life's little curve balls.

Trying not to be a control freak is a daily challenge. But I have plenty of time to sort everything out. I think we as humans have to stop worrying about factors beyond our control. Easier said then done, I know. But it is a necessary step unfortunately.

CHANGE IS IN THE AIR

I woke up this morning feeling very excited. I felt like it was time for a change, so I went ahead and cut my hair pixie style. I absolutely love the result. I think short hair suits me and my personality better. I feel happy about my new hairstyle and it just makes me feel inspired.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME A CUPCAKE!

I had the biggest craving for a cupcakes at work today. I spent hours imagining all the kinds of fillings. I even thought of what one would taste like. Yum!

I know it sounds crazy, but hallucinating about cupcakes sounds like a wonderful past time to me. I didn't eat one though. It didn't fit into my calorie ratio for the day. Damn! One day...one day I will have one again. Not now though. Watching the weight and all that stuff.

But if I could dream about cupcakes, I would.

SHUT UP ALREADY!

After reviewing some of the notes on my second manuscript and comparing it with my first manuscript, I noticed that I tend to ramble on a bit when I write. My point of view character (POV) is constantly just chatting up a storm in her head. I thought that was just unique to my one character, but no. All my other POV characters are equally as chatty. I don't mind it, but readers might.

I suppose the reason they talk non-stop, is because I do too. My family and anyone who has ever read my blog could vouch for that. I don't mean to run my mouth but it just happens.

Naturally, I will have to address that in both manuscripts as well. Second one is far from done and the 1st manuscript is still only edited halfway. Don't worry. I am getting my ass in gear and psyching myself up for more editing. I am doing the outline for yet another idea. I have all the ideas and so little time to make any of it a reality.

Here I go again...running my mouth.

Another day in the life of yet another aspiring writer. I didn't do much writing, sorry nothing new on that front. I was a wine pourer at my brother's wine tasting today. I did it after work of course and it was actually very interesting. My newly acquired wine certificate is coming in handy already. Great.

Other news is that I have inflammation in the cartilage in my chest. Don't ask me how I got that right, I just know it hurts. But thanks to the injection the Doctor gave me, I feel no pain and I am floating on cloud nine right now. Yay for me.

HAPPY WOMANS DAY

It is National Woman's Day in South Africa today and for that reason I want to wish all my fellow females across the world, a Happy Woman's Day. Even if you don't celebrate it today, be proud that you are a female anyway.

I RATHER LIKE SELF-EDITING

I did a lot of editing today. I finished about half of my manuscript, but I already think that I should make more changes. I guess that is the thing about editing. You never feel truly satisfied with your own work. You always think ''Hey, I can make this even better''.

But I don't think I should change too much in my manuscript. Only the spelling errors and wrong use of commas, which I found out there were plenty of. The reason for that is that I liked the first draft and all I had to do was add a bit more meat to the skeleton and then I ended up rewriting the whole damn thing and now I am changing everything back to almost the exact same style as the first draft.

I also picked up the words I tend to use too much. Then, suddenly, But and Because. I used these words so much that I annoyed myself reading through it. Not to mention that for some strange reason during the second draft, I put commas everywhere accept where they needed to be. The most daunting task was reading through the whole manuscript to remove them.

Another thing that is difficult for me is removing scenes or sentences. I feel as if I am gutting my manuscript. Deep down I know that those words don't fit, but I want them there anyway. However, I took a deep breath and made the necessary cuts.

I rather like self-editing. The only problem is that it is very exhausting, but what makes it easier is taking a lot of breaks, regularly. I feel stupid for thinking that I needed someone else to do this for me.

ALLERGIC TO HUMANS

It is long weekend seeing that Monday the 9Th of August (woman's day) is a public Holiday. Besides my own family, I am staying away from all other humans. I seem to bring out the worst in other people.

Even my town, which I used to love, I cant stand anymore. As the town got bigger, so did the peoples attitudes. I don't see what is so hard about everyone just doing their job and minding their own business the rest of the time.

I think I might be allergic to human beings, truly. I can stay isolated in our house for weeks without longing for the company of other humans. I actually prefer to be by myself. My mother doesn't think I am normal and for once I actually agree with her.

Why am I ranting on and on again? Well, after work me and my one sister had to go buy some veggies and the girl at the till completely ignored us as we asked for a bag and when she added our total she just glared at me as I requested our bag for the second time. Then she just tosses the bag to one side and refused to pack my groceries in the bag. Now I am no snob, but she gets paid to do it and why the hell would I make her earn her money so easily? I sarcastically mentioned to her that I was probably supposed to pack in my own groceries and you would not believe the attitude I got. I had to leave before I insulted this woman and as I walked away she screamed insults behind my back. I had to restrain myself or I would probably have punched her in the face.

Just because I don't like interacting with other humans doesn't mean I am weak and defenseless. Being a weirdo like me during school, I had to learn to take care of myself. I have this philosophy that if I treat you with respect I deserve the same common courtesy and if you are awful to me then trust me, I can be very awful too.

I suppose what I don't get about us humans is why we can't just be civil. At work I would never treat a client or even a co-worker with disrespect, so why does someone else think that it is OK to treat me like that? I always say please and thank you and I will always be polite even when I am furious, because I think my fellow human beings deserves it.

Guess I can use this anger for a scene in my next book, blah.

Problems with my blog

I have been having a problem with my blog. Apparently I am not able to post anything on my blog. But I hope to sort that out soon.

Celebrating

Today was a good day for me. I took the day off from work to celebrate my sisters birthday. I got in a very good workout, which I feel great about. Because of all the celebrating I didn't get any writing or editing done. But I know I will get lots done this weekend.

The temporary reception job I am doing now is advertised in the local papers as a permanent job. I applied for it, just so that I can have an income. Don't know if I will actually get it though. I am applying for another job too. It is a reception job/wine sales/administration job. But I won't stress about it. If I get it, I get it, if I don't then just too bad. I just can't worry about things out of my control anymore.

FUNNY

As I was sitting at my desk yesterday, doing my job and minding my business, one of my co-workers approaches me and asks me for a pen. He had some document he wanted to fill in. But then, as he starts filling in the form he mentions that my brother (we work for the same company, but I got the job on my own, no nepotism) told him I wanted to be a writer.

My eyes were bulging inside my head. I am not ashamed of being an aspiring writer, but I don't want everyone knowing that I want to be one. Anyway, I smile politely and nod. He then mentions to me that his youngest daughter, who is at university, wants to be a writer too and that she has spent the last year researching how to become a writer.

I wish her the best of luck though. I hope that writing will one day make her as happy as it makes me.

GOOD-BYE WRITERS DIGEST COMMUNITY

I am no longer a member of the writers digest community. It is a good site, but it is just not for me. I just visited it a few minutes ago and I simply didn't like how certain writers could just rip other writers work to shreds simply because their personal opinion of what is good or not, differs. Is it really necessary to disrespect someone else because they are different?

As you know I have enough crap in my life and the last thing I need, is being afraid to express my creativity because certain people know everything about everything.

All in all it is a good site if you need advice or want to make new friends. I am thankful, because if it wasn't for writers digest I would never have met Heather Garner. A fellow writer who's blog, http://hmgardner.blogspot.com/ (The waiting is the hardest part) and writing I just adore. And like me, she too struggles to become a professional writer. And thanks to Heather's blog I also met Leah Renee, http://leahonveggies.blogspot.com/ (Writing on veggies), another writer who is also very talented. Two very cool ladies I might add.

I recommend the writers digest site to anyone who wants to be part of a writing community or socially interact with other writers. Personally, I will just stick to my blog. It's not very popular, but it allows me to write, which is all I care about right now.

BAD EXPERIANCES PROVIDE GREAT INSPIRATION

I know this might sound insane but I am using all my negative energy and feelings and actually using it in my writing. Not to mention all my embarrassing stories might come in handy. My characters are going to need all kinds of depth and a whole wheel of emotions and who better then an over emotional person like me to provide them?

I am making notes of how I am feeling every day so that I can use it in my next book. Some good might as well come from my latest slump.

One memory that bothers me though, is the one of me, confessing my love to my college crush in a very well written email and then only finding out later, after I resent it a second time, that he is actually happily married and that he thinks I am insane. Not that he replied, no, my sister found out that he is married and thought she might put me out of my misery. The upside to that memory is that I wrote my first book and the the girl actually does get the guy in my book. She gets the happy ending I wanted, but I am actually glad I didn't get, because who knows if I would still have been writing if I was living happily ever after somewhere.

Yes, I might be unhappy about certain aspects of my life, but I can't let it get me down. I just can't. So why not use them? In the end I will have all the ass wholes to thank if my ideas actually turn out to be any good. In the long run, the meaner they are to me, the more inspiration they give me and in fact, they would just be fueling my creativity. So bring on the ass wholes, because I have a lot of books I still want to write.

Life goes on

I edited 2 chapters yesterday, which makes me happy. I got some good ideas for new projects, so I am just making notes of that. I am not doing any writing, but I am hoping to get back into the swing of things.

UNGRATEFUL

I am ashamed to say it, but I am the most ungrateful person in the world. I hate my job. It, along with most of my work colleagues, makes me absolutely miserable. I tried just taking it easy and not stressing but they truly upset me today.

I know how many people are unemployed in my country and how lucky I am to be employed. Still, I am not happy. I tried just doing my job to the best of my abilities and not getting caught up in the drama, but still my best is just not good enough. I came so close to telling them to shove their job there where the sun don't shine.

My family is rightfully, giving me a lot of crap. My mom doesn't like the fact that I seem to be unable to work for a boss. I can work for a boss, what I cant do is work with people that all think that they are my boss and that they are entitled to treat me like crap just because they can.

My family thinks that I am making all of this up so that I can stay home and just write. Which is not the truth. I have told them before that I have a problem working with people and they just laughed at me. I don't think being a receptionist/switchboard operator is the best job for someone who can't handle people.

I had a great idea for a post this morning, about what you can do to feel better when you are down on your luck. However, I cant publish it now considering that I would be a hypocrite. I don't feel like being rational at the moment and the last think I want to do is write about something that isn't true. So me, suggesting to other people to relax and not taking my own advice, would be severely hypocritical.

WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?

Can you guys believe it is August? It seems as if the year has just flown by. In about 4 months time it is going to be Christmas again.

I personally still have a few goals for this year that I haven't yet accomplished. I still need to fully edit my first manuscript and I still need to lose a few more kilograms. But hell. If I don't do it then it is not the end of the world. I have to stop being a control freak.

We baked all sorts of goodies for my sister yesterday and today I feel sick. I didn't even indulge. Just the taste of one piece of cake was enough to make me sick. I think I might be allergic to sugar, if that is even possible. I enjoyed a glass or two of coke and it tasted awesome.

Tomorrow is week four at work. I can't believe I have been working there so long. I guess that is a good thing. It is really weird how fast time has passed.