ARE YOU ON SOMETHING?

People at work are dumbfounded with my attitude. They seem to think I am a happy person because I am always friendly and smiling, but it is just part of my job. Even my family want to know if I am on something, for me to be so happy.

But truth be told, I am only smiling because for the first time ever I finally know where I belong. Among my fellow writers. I don't know any of the ladies whose blogs I follow very well but I can relate to them. I understand what they are going through and never ever have I ever been able to relate to other human beings before, not even my own family. So this is a major break through for me.

I am not naturally a happy person nor am I a very positive person, but since I took up my writing again, I became a more positive person. Believe you me, I have days that I am very sad and down for no particular reason, but the next day I will force myself to smile and be happy. I was in a very dark place emotionally for many years, I suffered from depression and I know what it feels like to be so low in life that you can't face the world, let alone your own family. I refuse to ever go back to such a dark place again. Therefore, I smile and force myself to be positive no matter what. I became a stronger person and I matured a lot too. And I have an endless supply of darkness in my memory banks that I can tap into if my writing ever requires it.

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

My family recently started taking interest in my writing. Which of course has me worried. What is with the sudden interest?
My oldest sister, the avid reader, I would say is probably the most supportive at the moment. Even she was a bit sceptical at the binning. But even my brother the most judgemental one is asking me how far my first novel is from submission. It is really weird. My mother and my other sister, the chef, can't understand why I keep writing. I might never get published and I might never make more then 25c off my writing, but yet I still write.

Just the other day my brother told me that I can write but to not embarrass him by writing crap. So with my family I think you have to take the sweet with the sour. We are a pretty old fashioned family and in our country becoming a successful fiction writer is unheard of. So, if I want to submit my work I will have to submit it overseas, which just reduces my chances even further. Because if American agents don't want to accept most American authors, what are the chances they will want to accept work from a girl from South Africa? Very slim, but still I am going to try.

I love my family a lot and I truly understand their concerns, but I have to keep on writing, no matter how hard it gets. Maybe they are supporting me now, but will they still support me when the rejection letters come in? I think not, but I refuse to let their prejudices keep me down. After all, what do I have to lose?

NEW ATTEMPT AT A WRITING SCHEDULE

I think my creativity might be back. I finished a whole chapter yesterday and I felt very relieved. I put on my favorite music and the ideas just came by themselves. I am also going to try a new writing schedule.

I am no longer going to try and write at work, no matter how much time I have. It is too irritating and I don't feel relaxed there. I will still take my little notebook and scribble some ideas in there, but no more attempts to finish scenes. And when I get home, no matter how tired and unmotivated I feel, I will have to write. I need to finish this second book.

That might sound simple but it has been hard these past two weeks to get myself to do any of it. I even started counting my calories again full steam and I already lost 1 kg. So, I am happy all around.

My sister, the chef, recently got an article published in our local magazine. I am very proud of her. She worked hard to get what she wanted and now she is finally head chef, getting articles written about her and everything. What is really good for her career is that the whole country reads that magazine religiously, so her future looks very bright.

EXAM RESULTS

The results are in People! I passed. I got 92%, can you believe it? I sure can't. I am so happy and so very grateful that I passed. I was getting worried. But thanks to everyone for their belief in me and the well wishes.

BOOK RECOMENDATION

I recently bought myself this book, The Only Grammar book you'll ever need by Susan Thurman, from the writersdigest.com and I must say I am pretty happy with it. It told me everything I wanted to know, so I can use it as a quick reference from now on. Every time I am unsure of something, I can just go look it up. I am definitely not memorising everything.

For those who might want to know, it is a paperback with 184 pages and it addresses every writing dilemma imaginable.

WORD COUNT

I am feeling so confused. I did some research on the Internet for submission requirements, just for research. I am not close to submission quality yet. Anyway, I am so screwed when it comes to word counts. Each agent wants a different word count. I currently have a word count of 148 000 words (according to Microsoft word) that gives me 385 pages with double sided print and double spaced lines. Now that can't be right. I write paranormal romance at the moment. But I didn't intend for it to go the romance route, it just ended up like that. Please, don't judge me people. Immortals need love too.

The reason I feel confused is that all the submission requirements asks you for maximum 100 000 words. So, now I have to either split the manuscript in two and make it 2 separate books or reduce my manuscript size drastically (I don't like this option). And for those of you who read paranormal romance, you will notice that those ladies who write in that genre, have far more pages then me. So obviously their word count has to be higher then mine too, right? Is it because they are already published authors that their works can be longer or is there just some simpler answer and I am just being a moron?

I hate to bring her up again, but lets take Stephenie Meyers debut novel, Twilight as an example. Nobody knew her then, but her first book gets to have something like 478 pages, after her editor reduced the final word count. Meaning, she submitted an even bulkier manuscript with a very high word count and still... she got published (it got picked out of the slush pile by the way). No disrespect intended.

I already know if I submit my novel as thick as it is now, I will get rejected on word count alone. So what is a girl to do?

SOME ARE JUST BORNE TO WRITE

I don't know if I am a talented writer. I know that no matter how long I have written or how long I am still goint to write, that I will never know everything. But, I love what I do and when I write, I feel happy and I feel like I am doing what I was meant to do.

I started writing when I was ten. At first it was song lyrics, then poetry, then lyrics again, followed by short stories... the list goes on and on. My point being that I have always written. I wont even count the crap I wrote when I was younger (4-9 years old), I will just write that stuff off.

Why are you telling us this you boring, odd, short woman? Well, when I was 18, I threw all of my work that I have ever written away, as I went to college to pursue a more serious life. I never considered becoming a writer. And to this day, I regret throwing everything away and turning my back on my writing. I regret not deciding to be a writer from the start. I could have saved myself 4 years of torture and my family a lot of money.

What I am trying to say is that those of us who choose to write, are blessed. Because we have a unique way to better the quality of our lives. We can escape to worlds that may only exist in our imagination but we bring those worlds to life, by the ink of a pen, the lead of a pencil or just by typing on a keyboard. We are just borne to write. As simple as that. It doesn't matter if you don't think you are good. Just write.

You are probalby thinking '' What are you talking about you moron, you haven't even submitted your first manuscript yet''. I have not submitted any of my works for submission yet and I don't know what it feels like to have that piece of paper in your hand that notifies you that your project has been rejected. But I know what rejection feels like. I had people laugh in my face and just out right humiliate me while I applied for job after job and getting rejected each time. For two years I struggled to become employed and to this day, I am still doing part time jobs. So, I will probably have to go through the embarrassing part of asking (begging) for a job again soon. Meaning, I know rejection and I decided not to give up, to push through. My brother always says ''Nothing worth having is ever easy''.

If writing makes you happy, then please don't stop. No matter how many rejection letters you get or how bad the comments are. Keep writing. Don't give up on something that makes you happy. I will regret those 4 years I lost till the day I die, no matter how many manuscripts I write in the years after.

I just wanted to provide some motivation to all those writers who might be thinking of giving up. Sorry if I came across as depressing, instead.