TOO ''FAT'' FOR LIFE

I finally got my test results back after two painful needle pricks and one uncomfortable sonar moment that revealed more about my own body then I wanted to know.

Anyway moving along. The specialist doctor I was referred to (sonar woman a.k.a the villain) felt that the reason I have been having problems with ill health was the fact that I am just too fat. That if I was thin I wouldn't have problems with fluctuating hormone levels and bad health. Basically she spent 2 minutes telling me I was fine, that there was nothing wrong with me (out of the ordinary) besides that I was fat. Then she spent the next 15 minutes lecturing me about being fat. Basically she just hates fat people.

In my defence I have started with a life change. I started counting my calories and exercising regularly. OK, I don't lose weight like crazy but I do lose weight. According to my previous dietitian predictions losing 0,5 kg a week is good and healthy. But no, ''Miss Sonar woman'' thinks that if I was really counting calories that I would have been at my goal weight already.

Moving On. I have been prescribed medication that I will have to be on for the rest of my life to keep my hormone balance stable (this is the same problem I had when I was skinny by the way. But according to her I was still fat then too). The funny thing is the medication my own doctor prescribed me is the same medication I used before when I packed on the weight I have now. But apparently it is the best. A trial and error process. So lets hope it doesn't make me even fatter.

So yeah, I am feeling a little down. But I have a reason to be. To have someone basically talk to you as if you weren't even human, as if you were some grotesque alien specie is hurtful. She was almost at the point of implying that every bad thing that ever happened to me was because I am fat, which was even more upsetting. Usually I would have said something back but I was in too much shock.

To make matters worse...when I went back to my own doctor to get my prescription the receptionist said ''Hi, I hear one of these days I am going to see a skinny you instead'' which meant ''Miss Sonar woman'' had put that into my results report for my doctor to read and because the receptionist handles all the administration she had read the report too. She is a sweet lady but I don't want everybody discussing me! Oh... the horror!

I only started having problems with my health lately when I started losing weight. So as a fatty I was healthy. But I feel a lot better now that I talked about this. I think blogging can be therapeutic.

So according to ''Miss Sonar Woman'' I am just too ''fat'' for life.

THIRD REJECTION LETTER

Today is not one of my better days. I had more tests done for the doctor and when I thought my day was over, my third rejection letter was already waiting for me in my inbox. This time it said that my project was not right for their agency.

The writing of my second book is going well. Should be able to finish it before the end of this year.

Still smiling but craving cake.

BRILLIANT READ

I just finished reading THE DIARY OF A YOUNG GIRL by ANNE FRANK and I thought it was brilliant. Written from her perspective while she was 13 - 15 years of age.

Her maturity and out look on life at her age was shocking. At her tender age she grasped concepts about life and love that most of us adults will never begin to understand. I think what made it even more moving for me was that she explained things so clearly that it wasn't hard for me to see things through her eyes. Anne Frank had a wonderful spirit that refused to be broken no matter what. Her courage was admirable and as I came to the end of the book I found myself wishing and hoping that the book ended differently but it didn't. When I was done I wanted to cry. She was a brilliant mind and she had such a love for life.

Which made me think to myself that I should be grateful for the few loved ones I have and for the fact that I am as blessed as I am. Because she too deserved to survive and live her happily ever after, but as you know she never did. And like most of us she too wanted to be a writer. And what a talented writer she would have been.

TOO MUCH PASSION!

I went to the Doctor yesterday and his diagnosis was stress. Well I don't think it is stress but he's the Doctor right? Anyway, my mom and my brother seems to think that I should stop writing. They feel that it is my writing that is causing my stress. I of course, like the rebel that I am, disagree. I think that my writing is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. It's my comfort blanket so to speak.

There is no way that I am giving it up or stopping again. I made that mistake before and still regret it to this day.

My one sister thinks I get the headaches because I am too passionate. She thinks that I pour too much energy into everything that I do. I can't help it. If I do something I want to be sure it is done to the best of my ability and that it is as perfect as I could make it. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I am too passionate. Because I do put a lot of emotion into every word I write. But all writers do that right?

I am just not a half hearted woman. When I love, I love with my whole heart and when I care about something I care with all of my being. Is that really such a crime? Is that not what living is all about? There are very few things (even fewer people) I truly care about. But when I do find something or someone I care about I hold onto it. So yes, I can be a little too passionate but that is who I am.

So now I am on all kinds of medication to relieve my symptoms. But at the moment I feel as if I am in some weird daze. I feel as if I can't focus and I am just unbelievably tired which I wasn't before. If anything, I think it is my frustration with my job that is really driving me crazy. Just sitting there...waiting for the phone to ring and then getting attitude from all kinds of people the whole day long is enough to give anyone a series of headaches right?

I just hope I stop having the headaches sometime soon. I don't want to have another discussion about my writing and more importantly I don't want to pay the Doctor anymore money to tell me I am stressed.

I try not to think of the other query letters that I sent out last week (which I have not gotten a reply from yet). I don't want to drive myself crazy. I try to read a lot to distract myself. And I even agreed to spend a few minutes a day with my punching bag. My brother bought a treadmill so maybe physical activity can keep me preoccupied and stress free.

What's new?

I have recently added the presence of a stress ball to my life. And no, it is not just because of the latest stress of submitting my MS, but also because apparently my work and work environment causes stress for me. I drive all my colleagues crazy because I am not content just squeezing the life out of the little ball. No, I play catch by myself and bounce it on my desk repeatedly.

I have been having problems with headaches since last Wednesday and for some strange reason they just won't go away. But I am going to the doctor tomorrow anyway so maybe stress isn't the reason for my headaches after all.

I also managed to do 10 minutes of kick boxing yesterday. I know it's not really an achievement but I didn't get a heart attack while doing it so that was an achievement on its own. But I won't lie. My body feels as if though it has been to war.

2nd REJECTION LETTER

Yeah, the post title says it all. I got my second rejection letter today. And like the first one it was a very nice rejection letter. Once again the agent said that she didn't think that she was the right agent for my project.

All I am thinking is ''Why are they responding so quickly?'' I know most writers wait months and months for a response and never get one. But seriously. Is it a good thing that agents respond within a day of me sending the query or is it a really bad thing? Is it so bad that they decided after the first sentence that they didn't like my writing?

Anyway, I am still smiling. Still pushing on. And I am very grateful for every response I get, regardless of what it says. So thank you to the agents for taking the time to respond to my query letter.

Book 2

I have also started on book 2 again. I am a little more than halfway. I stopped writing to do the final editing on my first book (which is finally done!)

It feels absolutely fantastic to be back to the actual writing part. I learned a lot during the editing process and I see how vital it is, but creating the story is definitely my favorite part. And note to self, All future editing is to be done by me alone.