SWEET TASTE OF FREEDOM

It has been a few days since my bold declaration of freedom. I must say I am rather enjoying doing things because I want too. It is a whole new experience. Saying what I mean and just saying what is on my mind is a long sought after relief. The need to constantly censor myself was overwhelming and it drove me crazy.

I am blushing even less now when ever I have to write a intimate scene. I can allow my written word to become a little erotic without feeling guilty.

My brother tried to have another talk with me but I just told him that this is who I am. I am not going to change. I am done changing for anyone. Only changes I will make will be for myself. So mentally I am as free as I have always dreamt of being. Finally...

CUTTING BACK ON THE BULK

As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, an agent gave me some wonderful advice that I just can't pass up on. She mentioned that one of the biggest problems she had with my sample chapters was the very high word count. It was about 145 000 words. The other problem was that certain scenes read as if though I am just dumping information on the reader.

To me that is nothing but good news. A bulky manuscript I can fix, but if she mentioned that I lacked imagination and execution of my idea then I would have been screwed. I have to go back to my first novel and see what I can omit from my manuscript. That is always the hard part for me. Because I think every scene should be in there. As I have mentioned before, my first novel is the first of a planned series, so one solution is ending the book at an earlier chapter and adding the remaining chapters to the second book, which by the way I finished last week. Second option is removing selected scenes from the book.

I originally labeled my book as paranormal romance, but I am even considering including or changing it to the Urban Fantasy genre. I am also aiming to scale it down to at least 115 000-120 000 words. It is still a bit high I know but it is an improvement over the original 145 000 words. I have no idea how I would make my novel work with only 100 000 words. So I have to make those changes before I start querying again.

Inspiration by the bucket loads

Every so often, like now, I am overwhelmed by an idea for a potential project. So much so that I sort of become obsessed with it. I have been doing the necessary novel planning which is part of my creative process. I am doing research and writing down tons of ideas for possible scenes.

How do I know a project is worth writing about? Well, I know a project is worth writing about when it is all I think about in my spare time. When I am doing one thing, like doing the dishes, and my mind just starts thinking up all sorts of possible scenes and dialogue for that project. When I feel as if though I am going to jump out of my skin if I don't get the words on paper. Those are the projects I write about. The ones that beg me to be written.

Passion also plays a very big part for me. I have to be passionate about a project. If the idea sounds good but I don't get excited about it then I won't write about it.

My current project is making me really excited. I just can't seem to do enough research or plan enough. I love the story and I just hope I can make it sound as wonderful on paper as I see things playing out in my head. As I am spending more time creating the characters and their unique personalities, I seem to be getting more and more attached to them.

I have not started typing it out on the computer yet. I tend to do the rough drafts on paper, in long hand. Crazy I know, but somehow it just works for me.

Well, I am off to do some writing on my story.

Who am I supposed to be?

Yesterday I had a interesting talk with my brother. It was about knowing when to change yourself to fit into the world. About being someone else when in public and only being myself when at home. But last night I had officially had it with being told what to do and pretending to be someone else for other's sake.

Today at work I let my true colors show and people didn't talk to me half as much as they used to and I was rather happy about it. My work contract expires the 30th of November 2010 and to be honest I can't wait. I am counting down the days.

So what brought on this talk with my brother? Well, it was about me being unemployed. He thinks that I have a bad attitude, which I don't agree with. When at work I am always professional and courteous and to be honest, being all smiles and crap just got me trampled on. The real me usually tells people what I think when I am thinking it. And apparently being like that won't get me employed. But pretending to be this happy and bubbly person has done nothing but make me unhappy and get me low paying jobs. Pretending to be a weak and fragile person is not in my nature and I refuse to be like that for any bodies sake. Not anymore anyway. So I told him to stop trying to change me.

Thinking and writing as I am now would probably get me in trouble with my family but I don't care. Being happy to me is more important than anything. Having the freedom to say what I think is priceless to me. And my family doesn't get it. Though I know writing does not pay my bills it keeps me content. I know who I am as a person and I know what I want out of life. How many people can say that? Some people go on many life changing journey's without having ever discovered what their life is all about or who they really are.

I have faith that I will find another job soon and this time I will make sure it is a job I can actually making a living on. I am done working for minimum wages. I have a degree after all, even though it has not helped me much this far. But I just can't do something just for the sake of doing it. It ruins me as a person. I have to see purpose in it.

I might never become a published writer, this much I know, but I will damn well try. Even if I have to do it under a pen name, it makes no matter to me. As long as my work gets read. You may have noticed I took all the advertisements off my blog. I think it gives people the wrong impression of me. Because I can promise you that it is not all about the money. Never was. But that is in the past. I am moving on.

I am done changing. If people don't like me for who I am than tough shit.Honestly, I am done worrying about it. Life is too short to worry about living up to any bodies expectations. So if people have a problem with me being fat as well , than it is their problem. I am who I am and I am damn proud of it. When I exercise, it will be because I want to do it. Not because someone tells me to.

FIRST DRAFT OF BOOK TWO IS DONE!

I am so glad that I have finally finished the first draft of book two. I have a word count of 104 000. Though, I am not sure how I am going to allow myself to give the novel a resting period. To me it is always hard to distance myself for the necessary break.

I already have another writing project in the works. It is very different from my other two novels. It is a stand alone novel about the lives of a Viking-like race. What they do and shining more light on their behaviors. Of course I will have to weave a love story in there somewhere, but like I say it is in the works. All the details are yet to be sorted out.

I am reading Fires Of Winter by Johanna Lindsey at the moment and thus far I am loving every moment of it. I love her writing style and she just had me hooked from the first page. So loving her. And I am learning a lot about the viking way of living.

Got a brilliant rejection letter today. It has been my best rejection letter to date. It was very encouraging, the agent gave me some wonderful advice that I will definitely be taking.

Oh, and I gave my letter of resignation at work. It was only a temporary job and they had the job interviews for the position and didn't even invite me, even though I applied. so I decided, seeing that they will be employing a new person soon anyway, I will resign and be free of their ridiculous demands once and for all. I will be an unemployed aspiring writer again soon, but rather that than making myself sick over a job I hate.

NEW PROSPECT

My brother has given me a new possible prospect to consider. He has suggested that I apply for a postgraduate degree. I didn't consider it at first but now, after it has been marinading in my thoughts for days, I am actually considering it.

I am not sure which faculty I would like to apply to or what I would like to do my postgraduate study in, but I will figure that out. I am not sure how much time I will spend on my writing then. It sort of sounds like a bad case of dejavu. I gave up writing when I started on my Bachelors degree program a few years back. But this time I don't want to give it up no matter what. I will just have to get a lot better at juggling my priorities.

It is not a definite thing yet and there is still the funding to consider so maybe it is not as much of a prospect as I am thinking. But just the thought makes me feel a little happy.

Decisions...Decisions

Today is a better day for me. The pity party is finally over. So I am finished crying over things I can't do or control and rather focus on that which I can.

Like I said yesterday, I haven't been doing any writing on my second novel lately, but I am eager to get back to it again soon. Hopefully this weekend. I have to start figuring out how I want this couples story to end. I already made notes on how I want it to end but it just doesn't sound right. This novel is a bit darker than the first and the couple has been through so much. So I am wondering whether or not to give them a sweet, yet simple ending. The other option of course is to add another troublesome twist. Decisions....Decisions.

I am trying to motivate myself to send away more query letters. I must say I am not as enthusiastic about it as I was a few weeks ago. No matter how strong you are as a person, when nobody seems to believe in your work the way you do, it can be a bit disheartening. But I can't give up. At least not yet. I have to keep trying. I just have to.