ATTENDING A WORKSHOP

I forgot to mention that I will be attending a workshop on Monday hosted by Louise Fury of the Laura Perkins Literary Agency. She is visiting South Africa and would like to give some guidance to local aspiring writers. I am actually looking forward to it.

My brother will be attending the workshop along with me. He is a Microbiologist who sometimes writes scientific articles based upon the research he does. But he becomes upset when I point out that he too is a writer. A non-fiction writer. He writes at least 3 articles a year and all of whom get published in a local magazine. But he is attending only to give me some much needed support.

I am a little scared to attend a workshop with fellow writers. What if I am a complete amateur in the presence of great writers? What if the agent asks me questions to which I have no answers?

But that is why I am there right? To learn.

PSYCHO ALERT!

Lately I have been getting a lot of pressure from all sources regarding my direction in life. Most of the pressure is actually coming from my new boss of all people. For some reason he feels I am wasting away my life on the quest to become a writer. Apparently I have so much potential.

At first I thought he just wanted to help me but Wednesday I noticed he has this White Oleander (as in Michelle Pheiffer's character) mind trick shit going for him. Now a little secret about me...I know a lot about mental warfare. My family specializes in this kind of stuff and this guy has no idea I realized what he is trying to do. Mostly I am upset that I didn't realize what he was trying to do from the beginning.

Anyway, the fact that he was trying to force me to stop pursuing writing was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Yes, he mentioned a lot of similar things that my family has previously pointed out but the fact that he told me that it was an unrealistic dream made me want to pursue it even more and prove to him that it was an obtainable goal after all. I hate it when other people tell me that I can't do something. If ever there is anyone to tell me that it will be myself. The more people tell me I can't or shouldn't do something the more I will push on, just to prove them wrong. I haven't always been like this but lately I found a new sense of strength in myself. I am the most clueless about life and the unknown then I have ever been, yet I have never been stronger or happier. I always had plans for everything in life and now I don't, but I am not worried about it.

When I go back to work on Tuesday I will be professional and if I get anymore shit for being an aspiring writer I will put him straight and if he wishes to fire me then I will start my holiday sooner and I will be happier for it.

I actually am going to use his personality type as that of the villain in my historical romance. He apparently used to be a poet and philosopher. I use to write poetry too but I wasn't anywhere near as psychotic as this guy. Poet's are passionate people but this guy is on some other mental plane and that is just scary. Sure he is intelligent but not in a good way.

I know my posts have been a little depressing of late and for that I apologize. I will try to make it a bit more interesting. I guess my posts are a reflection of my moods but I am cheering up as we speak or should I say write?

DIRECTION IN LIFE

Today I feel like jumping out of my own skin. I feel as if the person inside me is suffocating.

A few days ago my new boss came into my office and said something out of the blue that has been bothering me quite a bit. ''I think you are hiding from life. What are your plans for the future? Why not do something bold with your life? If you want to be a writer why not do it? Why don't you go do a academic program that can help you become a writer?''

I sat and stared at him in confusion. How could he sum me up so quickly? How could he possibly know these things? This man hasn't known me before this week. Do I have some invisible sign on my forehead that says ''Hey, I am struggle with the direction of my life!'' I didn't mind what he said, I just wish it wasn't true.

I don't want to face the reality of the situation. I have to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have a degree in Agriculture. Most specifically Animal production and Management. But I only recently realized that I don't want to do that anymore. I can't stand it when the animals aren't treated properly and it sends me into a crazy spin of emotions. My heart is just not in it anymore. I don't know if it ever was. So basically I spent 4 years obtaining a degree I don't (and also can't) use.

I want to write, just like millions of other people. But writing at the moment is like my brother says '' a hobby''. I need a job in the real world and I am rather tired of doing low paying jobs with maximum amounts of stress. So how the hell am I supposed to make a choice? I don't want to depend on my family anymore.

I desperately need to make a choice that will impact the rest of my life. But I don't know how to go about it. I am lost today.

OVERLOAD

My brother is renovating his room and seeing that my room is the closest to his, his storing most of his stuff in my room. I don't mind at all. But the past week has been a mentally draining and physically tiring week. I just feel like my senses are suffering a overload.

Yesterday I had another one of my migraines. None of my medication helped but the good news is that I don't have a migraine right now. Because of the past week and yesterday's headache I haven't resumed my normal writing routine. My ''wanna be'' historical romance is just lying there unfinished, taunting me as if saying ''yep, knew you couldn't stick it out, sucker''. It is smiling an evil smile and laughing it's evil laugh.

I am still capturing data for my previous company. I have a lot of stuff just floating around in my head and it is not the kind of stuff I want to be thinking of. I think it is somehow blocking my creativity. I haven't thought of a single scene in a week. Maybe it is because the couple finally had sex and now all the mystery and previous built up tension is gone (sounds like real life) and now I can't seem to get them to work together.

I will resume the de-bulking of my first manuscript on Thursday. I am forcing myself to get into the editing mode. Must edit...must sleep...must...goodnight.

FAMILY REUNION UPDATE

The family reunion is finally over and the last guests had left 30 minutes ago. I met some nice members of the family (who didn't know me at all) but I also met a few that I wouldn't mind not ever seeing again. The kind of people that make you wish that alcohol was never discovered.

It was a good idea my mom had, to reaquint us with more relatives from her side. Honestly, we (I really mean me) don't really know most of my moms relatives, I don't know why that is but we just never met before or at least I never met them before. Everybody seemed to know my other siblings and in all fairness my siblings are a bit older than me. I am what we call '' 'n laat lammetjie'' which basically means there is a big age gap between me and the sibling born before me. So I suppose it makes sense that the others are known and I am the one everybody keeps inquiring about a bit too loudly, for example ''Who is this girl?''

The age old saying has been truly tried and proven today, '' You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family''.

Today I found out how big of a leap I am truly taking with trying to become a published writer. My goals really seem like unrealistic dreams at this point. I am writing novels that probably nobody will ever read and sending away query letter to agents overseas when people like my moms family are trying to just make ends meet or are trying their dire best to avoid the evils of the world but losing the battle each time. At some point I considered that we might truly be from two different worlds. It was scary to see how much our priorities differ. And now I can see that I truly live in a dream world.

OH BOY

Christmas carols are blasting at full volume, cookies baking in the oven and my sister dancing with a smile on her face, probably for the first time this whole year.

Yep, you might have guessed it. My family is preparing for Christmas. My one sister is a bit of a sour puss and she only comes alive for one month of the year and that is December. She loves Christmas. Me, I respect the holiday and it's traditions. But I don't get that overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness the way I did when I was a child. I wish I had my sisters enthusiasm about the whole concept of the festive season but I don't know...It just feels as if though something is missing. As if something perhaps died in me or is broken.

We have a family reunion coming up this weekend. My moms idea. We get to meet the other side of my moms family who we never see or know anything about. It should be interesting. I will let you know how it went.

Operation house cleaning is on the way. I am missing most of it because of the new temporary data capturing job I have. Yeah! But I am sure my mom will find something for me to do.

I have not done any writing since this weekend. No editing either. I am falling behind. Oh well. Life goes on.

So back to real life and my sister singing along to her favorite Christmas Carols at the top of her mighty lungs. Might I add, she has a strong voice for such a skinny person.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

Who would have thought that I would be making an attempt to write a historical romance novel. Yes people, I am putting it out there, I have begun doing my research and even wrote (as in pen and paper) a few scenes.

I am not romantic myself, which is probably why everybody laughs to my face when I tell them that my writing has a strong romantic theme intertwined with action and drama. I love the guts and gore but I also like the idea of having a guy through me over his shoulder for misbehaving. My sister thinks that idea is just barbaric, but there is just something about a strong man putting me in my place that I like. I guess because I am such a tomboy I find it hard to find guys who can handle me.

So yes, it will focus on the more romantic side of things and believe it or not, it makes me nervous. I am not comfortable writing love scenes. I am working on not blushing as I write it, but hell I just can't help it. The way I was raised it was not appropriate to talk about sex openly (at least not in my family). So here I am, trying to figure out when my characters will be having sex and how exactly I want their first encounter to be. Damn it! I am blushing already. (Big smile).

I am leaning towards the more erotic side. Just for the hell of it. I am breaking out of my own comfort zone so I might as well do it properly and take things as far as I can. I am still such a chicken shit that I won't tell my family about the details of this project. I don't want them praying for my soul just yet. Luckily for me they don't read my blog.  (Wink-Wink).