INSECURITY RAISES ITS UGLY HEAD

When it comes to insecurities, I have to admit I have plenty. It would be a lot easier listing the few things I am not insecure about, than to name all my insecurities, because let me tell you, we would be here for days. But I guess the biggest thing I have a problem with is that I do not know who I am without writing.

I am now in the process of job hunting, after working as a freelance writer (unsuccessfully). I loved freelancing. I got to work from home, work my own hours and I got to write, which is what I love. However, regular day jobs don’t have those perks and to be honest, I have become so accustomed to being my own boss, that I find it really hard to come to terms with doing yet another job I do not like. But, now that I will no longer be writing full time, I am really insecure. Not just as a person, but as a writer as well. I failed at finding regular clients and if my writing was so good, I should not have had a problem getting clients. Maybe I was and still am a terrible writer. Perhaps I am just a terrible person and I had it coming.

What I also liked about being a freelance writer was being able to say that I was a writer and that I had an income (not much), but now that I don’t have that anymore, who am I? I am just another aspiring writer trying to become published and who does not have a day job and who dreams big dreams. So I guess, I am just an insecure dreamer.

The Insecure Writers Support Group was created by the wonderful and talented author and blogger, Alex J. Cavanaugh. You guys can visit Alex over at http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com.

SHOPPING, ROUND TWO

I attended a party a few hours ago where I found out that quite a few of my cousins are writers in hiding. They write, but just don't tell anyone else about it, or let them read their work. It is great to meet fellow writers. I know it sounds really vain, but now I don't feel quite so special any more. My cousins are a lot better read than me and obviously their writing styles are a lot more sophisticated than mine, but hey, at least I do me very well.

So my mom and I went shopping again today and the exact same thing happened as last week, except that this guy was not as aggressive. I just gave him one look that I was sure said it all and he diverted his attention to my mom. My mom had a lot more composure, ignored the guy, closed her car door calmly and backed out of the parking space without giving the creep any thought. I admire her for it. She has so much more balls than I do. But I am just wondering, is it really too much to ask to not have strangers bother you? Is it too much to ask to not be harassed constantly? The life of a hermit never looked so good as it does right now.

Thank you for trying to break my bad luck streak Annalisa! You are just brilliant.

Job hunting is not going so good. My brother emailed me info about a job where I would be working weekends, public holidays and certain days of the week. I am not sure whether I want to offer up my weekends. I thought work is done during the week and then you rest on the weekends. I know it sounds really unreasonable, but if I need to work with people, then you can't take away my weekends. This might be shocking to you...but I am not good with people.

TOP COMMENTERS AWARD

I just received the Top Commenters award from the brilliant Annalisa Crawford over at http://annalisacrawford.blogspot.com, for commenting on her blog regularly. Thank you! The funny part is that she is also a regular commenter on my blog, so I should actually be passing the award on to her again.

I think this award is a nice way to start this week, it is rather positive actually. So, I now have to pass this award on to my top commenters and here you guys are...

Tonja - http://tonjasmusings.blogspot.com

Michelle - http://www.writer-in-transit.co.za/

The Golden Eagle - http://thegoldeneaglesblog.blogspot.com

M.J. Fifield - http://mjfifield.blogspot.com

I am going to do what Annalisa did and not notify the above mentioned people and see how long it takes for them to figure out that they have been given this award. It is a top commenters thing.

Thank you to everyone who stops by and reads my blog. You guys are what makes blogging great. I am especially thankful for all the comments, or else it would be very lonely over here. 

MY BAD LUCK CONTINUES

My mom, my oldest sister and I went to our local mall today to go and have some girl time, not to mention that I had to go out to buy printing paper for my manuscript. We shopped and of course my sister had already gotten most of the items she had came for when she and my mom suggested that we should go have breakfast in one of the restaurants. 

We were sitting, talking, ordering, when all of a sudden we notice people running out of the mall and restaurant. Of course we think someone must have been robbed or something  But no. It was a bomb scare! Of course I was not worried, because if someone had actually planted a bomb, they would not tell the police about it or warn the mall security. Bombers are mean like that. So we were evacuated and it was like a scene out of the movies. So, we had to go home and I did not buy what I had gone to the mall to buy in the first place and I was so upset yesterday that I hadn't bought the printing paper then either. My Karma must be seriously messed up. 

I think becoming a hermit is a good option considering my luck. 

IT IS JUST NOT MY WEEK

I know that that I have just been complaining a lot this week and if you don't like it, then now would be the time to go visit someone else's blog. Yesterday I was editing away in my room and finally getting into the editing zone, when my mom yells for me that there is something wrong with the dogs. Well, there was nothing wrong with the dogs, they were just getting upset that a few criminals were trying to get unto our property. Thankfully they left without incident, but I rather wish we were not in the position to begin with.

This morning when my mom and I were on our way to go and do our weekly shopping, I was the one locking up and as my mom was backing the car out of the driveway, some freakishly weird guys starts pounding on the car for her to give him money. Of course when I came out he diverted his attention towards me, and yes people, it is is the same freaky dude with which we have had trouble in the past. He suddenly starts telling me how much he has always liked me and lets just say as he was doing it he was touching himself in a way that was just vulgar. He then starts demanding money from me, which I of course refuse to give him, even if it is just a few cents and I manage to flip him off and I get in the car. Then the jerk starts grabbing the door handle of the car and banging on the window. Naturally I was terrified, I have never wished to be some kind of kick-ass fighter as much as I had today. My mom finally gets me to call the police and at the sight of my cell phone, he starts running away, probably sensing what I was doing.

It is days like these that I really wish I could live in one of my make believe worlds, where shit like this just does not happen. I know that it is part of life, but why always me? It is not the first time that crap like this has happened to me and I just want to know how do you not feel afraid of it? I am scared of being alone at home even though I am 26 years old and fast approaching 27 years of age. I am like a magnet for bad events and people, honestly. I am afraid of simply sticking my head out of the front door, as I am terrified of the fact that I do not know what is waiting out there for me. The fear is just the worst thing.

I know what you are thinking, why don't I do self-defence classes and the answer firstly is that I am broke, as in truly broke. The second reason is that Krav Mega classes, which are the best suited for everyday situations, is based in Cape Town which is 60 kilometres from where I live. So driving there twice a week is also insane, as the petrol prices here are ridiculous. Though, I am trying to convince my family to get me a Rambow knife, not that I think that it would help, but it would make me feel better.

Anything scary happen to you lately? I would love to know.

EDITING AND DREAM KILLERS

I am almost done with the first step in my editing process and I know I said I would take things slowly and I thought I was, but I just think that this book reads really fast, which could mean that there is something wrong with the pace of it. It is something that I will have to look at. Believe it or not, but I am actually smiling as I am going through the novel and making changes. Let's see if I am still smiling at step 3 or 4.

I had another fight with my brother about my writing and in truth, I just labeled him a dream killer. There are people like him everywhere and we as writers just have to endure them. They add to that thicker skin that we need. So, what did we fight about? Well, he is mad at me for not wanting to change my genre of writing to young adult. I mean, come on! Yes, young adult is great and it sells, but I don't want to write it! I am happy with romance as my characters can have plenty of sex (if they want, of course) and I can kill off people, without having to actually go to prison for it. Now he thinks that I am going to crash and burn and be an unemployed bum forever, who will never be published. All just because my agent has not sold my book yet and because I have no money to show for it either.

Well people, dream killers are literally around every corner and they can take the shape of the ones we love most or some stranger or a critic, that think they know everything. Don't become deterred, because I definitely am not and just keep on writing. We just have to believe in ourselves. I definitely do and I am going to keep writing adult books till the day I die, so my brother will just have to get over it.

So, do you know any dream killers too?

MY EDITING STRATEGY

I think I have come up with a great editing strategy this time. Last time I tried to do everything at once and ended up making more mistakes than fixing them. How do I know this? Well, the last time I had two different critique partners who still found a lot of mistakes after the editing process, not to mention that my agent fixed a few too, before my book was submission ready. 

So now it is book two, the second book in my immortal series and I want to do a good job, so this is my new strategy. 

Step one: The read through, which will be the changing of obvious mistakes and cutting of unwanted or should I say unneeded wording.

Step two: The finding of not so obvious mistakes. Reading through the document making sure I did not miss anything the first time.

Step three: The polishing. Reading through the document again, making sure the flow is right and that it is hopefully error free.

Step four: The printout. Printing the manuscript and then reading through it again. It is amazing how easily one can miss mistakes when reading the manuscript on the computer. Also, rectifying all the mistakes, if any is found.

I have no idea how long this new strategy will take, but it should work a lot better than the “Do everything all at once” strategy I chose the last time. 

What approach do you take when editing?