The road to recovery continues

I had my appointment with my rheumatologist yesterday and didn't get the news I wanted. He can't give me a diagnosis, but he thinks it is chronic pain. The good news is that it's not arthritis. Yay. Though, having been on various medications for the past few months hasn't been fun. Got new meds yesterday again, which has me feeling groggy today. It is supposed to pass in a day or two. But he wants me to exercise to combat the depression.

Personally, I didn't feel he was very sympathetic. My brother said I was just being a baby. How do you exercise when you can barely summon the courage to take a shower? I don't like people thinking of me as lazy. I'm not. I just lack the energy and will to do most things.

So, I'm feeling very frustrated. I feel like I'm never going to know what the heck is wrong with my hands that are forever sore and aching. I'm afraid I'll have to be stuck with the pain forever. But my doctor wants me to exercise my hands too.

Have any of you ever gone through something like this?

Making things a bit easier for me

Thank you so much for the amazing support during this month's IWSG post. Your kind words always provide comfort and inspiration.

A week or two ago the awesome Pat Garcia nominated me for the Liebster Award. As always, I felt very honored. But I haven't taken up the task of answering any of the questions Pat has set aside for me and because of this reason, I don't think I can accept this award. Sorry to disappoint you, Pat. I just don't feel up to it.

And for that exact reason, I won't be accepting any other blogging awards, or partaking in any other blog hops aside for the IWSG. I have decided to make things easier for me. I don't want to take on anything and not be able to see it through. Sorry if I'm disappointing anyone.

Some good news though. I wrote 1900 words today. It was great! I think breaking my writing up into smaller sessions helped today.

I hope all is going well with you my blogging friends. Let me know in the comments.

Into the darkness I go again (IWSG)

IWSG Question: What was your very first piece of writing as an aspiring writer? Where is it now? Collecting dust or has it been published?

My  Answer: The first story I wrote was a love story of a misfit high school girl making friends with the new, but fast becoming popular boy. I was in high school at the time and was channeling my own feelings of not belonging. However, before I went off to college I destroyed all my written works, thinking of them as childish things that were of no value. After all, I was going to be a serious person. Sad,right? I was so uptight back then:)

Moving on to my insecurity . . . I feel rather frustrated. More with myself than anything else. Even though I have gotten some writing done and slowly finding myself getting back into a type of schedule, I'm still not as motivated as I once was. I want to do so much, but when I wake up in the mornings, I feel depressed and my mood is so dark and it pushes my creativity into dormancy. Just when I think I'm free of those feelings, they come back just when I'm ready to move on. I've blamed laziness and procrastination, but I just can't get out of this funk. 

I will be seeing my specialist, with regards to the pain and discomfort in my hands this month again. Hopefully I can get him to refer me to someone that can help with my depression. Hopefully then I can go back to my writing life and become sane again. Right now, all this lack of hope and desire to write is driving me crazy. This isn't who I am. Sorry that this post is so heavy. 

The Insecure Writers Support Group was created by the talented Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh so that writers can share their insecurities and/or encourage others who need support with their own. You can visit Alex Here, or if you want to join us in discussing our insecurities on the first Wednesday of each month, you are welcome to join by going Here.

I get distracted easily

When it comes to my writing, I like to think that I'm cool, calm and collected. I take my time. I don't rush the experience. That's all fine and well, but that attitude has done nothing but made me lazy.

For the past couple of months I told myself "Don't worry, you will get to your writing. Finish binge watching old Sex and the City episodes. You will get to writing, eventually." Do you know what? I didn't get any writing done.

Unfortunately, I'm  not one of those writers, if left on their own, that will just keep on working on their novel when there's a TV close by. Just like with food I gravitate towards burgers, pizza and soda. The bad stuff, I guess.

So in order for me to stop picking the wrong things (writing wise), I've decided to go back to a writing schedule. I had one before. However, I've never been able to use a schedule for blogging. I'm just random like that.

Discipline has worked for  me before, so hopefully, it will work for me again. In my defense, burgers are great and can I help that there are so many great movies and series out there to watch? A girl gets distracted . . .

Because I like a challenge

I am thirty years old and I’m not financially independent. While I do get the regular “Why aren’t you married yet? You’re not getting any younger,” comment, I couldn’t care less about getting married. I’m more shocked at the fact that I’ve only ever lived with my family (holidays don’t count) and that after thirty years, I’m still financially dependent on them. Shocking right? Do you know the weird part? Even if I had the money, I would still be living with my family. They’re also my best friends. Not many people get me in the real world, in person. So, I hang on tight to the few that do:)

I’ve never had jobs that earned so much that I could survive on my own salary and the one job that made living alone possible, back in 2013, wasn’t the kind of job I could do long term. When my boss told me to “Do as I say, or you won’t be working here long,” I handed in my resignation and mentally told him to shove his job where the sun didn’t shine. Then my brother came to the rescue of course. Since then I did little things here and there to get an income but I haven’t been able to hold down any other job. Pathetic I know.

So, because I’m such a loser, I thought I would start, from today on, to make becoming “financially independent” my new life goal. I love being a writer. But I don’t want my fiction to be the reason to make money. I want it to be the fun part. I thus have to come up with another means of income. Several actually. I’m embarrassed to mention it, but I’ve actually signed up to various online survey sites and they offer cash, or shopping vouchers in exchange. Of course there’s a payout threshold, but it’s one form of income. So, I just have to figure out another few too.

I’ve always wanted to write freelance. Though, I have been warned about how tough it is out there. I understand, but, most people also warned me that publishing a book is almost impossible and I actually did do it, even after years of struggling, but I did it and hope to do so again. A challenge doesn’t scare me anymore. To prove it, I bought a website for my freelance business. You can check it out here and tell me what you think. Yep, that is my real name. Though, that is another post. 

Because struggling to write fiction isn’t difficult enough, I will add struggling for financial independence to my “to do” list from now on. Stay tuned if you want a good laugh. I’m rather excited about it. The worst that could happen is that I stay broke, right?

How long did it take you to become financially independent? Got any advice for me? 

July IWSG 2016

IWSG Question: What's the best thing someone has ever said about your writing?
I think my writing is still at it's infancy, but someone mentioned that I had a great imagination. Also, a few people have mentioned I'm a good writer. Because I have a hard time accepting compliments, I'm not so sure about being a good writer:) I hope to just be a competent writer someday:) 

This week I'm feeling a little insecure about my writing/ publishing future. I had underestimated how expensive self-publishing can be (or at least for me it is, because I don't have a full-time job). Even if I finish my second book, I might not be able to publish it for another year. But on the other side, it will give me more time to finish book three as well. 

It's my own fault that I'm in this situation. Nobody told me to not have a full-time job. I had decided to quit the job I had and help my brother with his P.hD 3 years ago. I have nobody else to blame for not being able to have all the funding I need. Hopefully I can remedy that soon. After all, you don't need money to write. All you need is a pen an paper really. Publishing can be expensive, but writing isn't. 

So, how are you doing? 


The Insecure Writers Support Group was created by the talented Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh so that writers can share their insecurities and/or encourage others who need support with their own. You can visit Alex Here, or if you want to join us in discussing our insecurities on the first Wednesday of each month, you are welcome to join by going Here.

I'm tinker crazy

First, let me start off by saying “I’m sorry,” to anyone that has bought a copy of my book. I read it this weekend to tie up any loose ends from book one in book two, and I found one plot problem, which I have fixed. I am mortified. But I really am sorry. It is not my editor’s fault. She did a superb job. The one mistake was something I had changed after she gave me my final edited manuscript, so only I am to blame.

Secondly, I have not done audio for this post. In fact, I’m not sure if the audio is such a good idea anymore. I didn’t think about how much time it would take. Today one of our neighbors kept revving his engine like a racecar driver and I just couldn’t clean up the audio enough to block him out, so I gave up. I literally spent four hours trying to make a recording for one post. I might do a few more audio posts in the future, but maybe not one for every post. I’m sorry if I am disappointing anyone.

Okay, on to today’s post.

I am not only my own worst enemy, but I can also be my own worst distraction.

I have the bad habit of writing the same book over and over.

Meaning, I tinker too much with it. A normal person would write the first draft and a few days or weeks later, start on the second draft, which means adding more detail, or taking out the unnecessary words, if you had over written.

Not me. No. I feel the first draft is in too bad a shape (which it’s supposed to be) and start over. Keeping the main plot, but just rewriting everything else. That would explain why it took me over 5 years to publish my first book. I kept writing the same book over and over. You don’t even want to know how many drafts I have of the first book. Okay, I will tell you, over thirty drafts.

The bad news is that I have done it with the second book too. Luckily, I really like where the newest draft is going, and I’m almost halfway through. I actually intend to keep this draft and clean it up, I swear :) Then it’s just a matter of adding more detail and then my rounds of self-editing will commence. I think that will take quite a while too.

The good news is that I now know that I tinker too much on my manuscripts. I should write the first draft and make improvements from there. Don’t write the same damn book over and over. I feel like I can kick myself. Now it’s just a matter of stopping myself when I want to keep changing things.

Do you tinker a lot too?