Got some spring in my step and an update

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It feels like I only ever share bad news on the blog. But the truth is that my life has been thrust into darkness for the past few years. But I can say with a smile I’ve been feeling much better lately. Yes, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, and I probably will forever, but for the first time in a long time I don’t feel utterly hopeless.

I’m finally off of my anti-depressants. It sounds counter productive, I know. But my psychiatrist had prescribed them in the hopes that it would cure me. It didn’t. I don’t react to meds the way I’m supposed to. I found that out during the two years of experimenting with various chronic pain meds with my rheumatologist. He had so much patience with me. But my psychiatrist hadn’t. I didn’t write about this last year, because I didn’t want to add more depressing stuff. But basically the psychiatrist went off on me one day and mentioned that I wasn’t a real writer because real writers write regardless of depression, and that the meds should have worked by now, and that I was lazy for not doing more to drive away the depression. That I would never be a real writer with my attitude. I felt like shit for months afterwards.

But I was still (and still am) seeing my therapist once a week and she assured me my psychiatrist was probably having a bad day and had taken it out on me. But she mentioned that the psychiatrist was wrong and she had set me back another few months. Which I had agreed on. I stopped seeing that psychiatrist and am only going to therapy these days. Therapy helps me more than any medication ever had. Aside for suppressing certain emotions, anti-depressants don’t really work for me. It never makes my moods better. It just makes me feel horrible. But finally being free of them feels like such a relief and blessing.

I’ve weaned myself off the meds slowly and I have been anti-depressant free for almost a month and I feel so much better. Sure my emotional state is still a mess, but I can actually feel again. I no longer have this numb feeling anymore. I can differentiate between the various emotions I feel and I can actually write now. I can make sense of words, which wasn’t always possible before.

I’ve been working on a few short stories, and a few sentences on book 2 in the Thelum series. I also started practicing how to make e-book covers. Every penny I can spare, or if there is more I can do towards my writing career, the better. I’m definitely more of a hands-on kind of person. I like being involved in every detail.

Also, I have a clearer idea of the types of books I want to write. They are darker in theme and feel, but definitely in the fantasy genre. I haven’t dared put any of my books in fantasy because someone once told me that I wasn’t smart, or talented enough to write fantasy. I allowed those words to really make me doubt myself. But I decided that I was going to put my books in that genre regardless. There are so many fantasy sub-genres, like supernatural and urban fantasy that my Thelum series fit into. Perhaps book 2 would even be better suited toward dark fantasy. Either way, I just feel like I know more about who I am now than I did a year or 2 years ago. And I have to be true to myself and my gut.

I’m not saying that I’m upbeat and smiling-for-no-good-reason-kind-of-happy, or that I ever will be, but I’m in a good place mentally. I’m not saying I will only post happy stuff, but I will be myself more and sharing things that are more me.

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I have a darker side which I hide because it’s polite to not show your crazy. But, I love tattoos. I like gothic stories, and poetry. I love biker style boots and the more buckles, the better. I also love having my hair short and I don’t like wearing skirts or dresses. Never have and probably never will. Someone said that’s not very lady-like or feminine of me and I don’t give a crap. I know I’m a female and I don’t need clothes or other people to tell me who I am anymore.

I’ve finally started on the Harry Potter books. I know, don’t gasp! I never had the urge to read them before, but over the past two weeks I started. I started collecting the books about two years ago, and only bought used copies. I was determined to only read the entire series until I had all the books. A few months ago I gave up and just bought the two copies I couldn’t find in used bookshops and pay full-price for them. I don’t mind now. I’m really enjoying the books. It is definitely whisking me off to a new world, which I enjoy. I’ve definitely found that I don’t like reading books when they are popular, or on the rage. I will often read books years after the buzz has died down. Don’t really know why, but it’s just something I do. Anyway, I now have a mismatched set of Harry Potter books but I don’t care. The content is still the same, even if the covers differ.

Did I mention I’m trying to make my own e-book covers? They are hard to figure out. I don’t think I have an artistic eye, but my siblings think I’m not giving myself too much credit. They saw some of the finished products. It is definitely fun trying to teach myself another skill. It’s strange, but I really don’t mind learning something new each time.

I’m avoiding all the sites that I usually peruse for writing tips and so forth. I feel that I’ve done too much of that the past few years, that I just have to sit my butt down, and get some actual writing done. Plus, all those marketing advice and stuff don’t work for me. Just figuring out what does work for me and doing what feels right to me has worked better in my case. So I just don’t need more articles at the moment. Do you ever feel like that?

I watched Beauty and The Beast and liked it. I could sing along to most of the songs, as I was a fan of the animation as well. I think Emma Watson did a great job. Suicide Squad and Deadpool are me and my sisters go to movies these days if there’s nothing to watch and we need a laugh. I loved Harley Quinn. I just wish there was more of her in the movie.

So, that’s it from me. What are you up to? Got anything you wish to share? 

Just keep going

Hey friends. In one of my previous posts I spoke of how South Africa’s investment grade has been downgraded to junk status. The country didn’t collapse overnight, even though the tension within the country is high. There was no sudden collapse of order either.  One thing I’ve learnt about South Africans is that we are resilient and we adapt to change very quickly. We keep on surviving no matter what we are faced with. That quality alone makes me proud to be South African.

As a teenager, that wasn’t always the case. I felt like good things didn’t happen here. Or that if you wanted to achieve something or be successful, you had to be from America, for instance. Thankfully, thanks to many South Africans proving me wrong and leading the way, I’ve learnt you can still be successful in any career you want, as long as you work hard, and it doesn’t matter where you come from. I’ve never been more thankful for that lesson than I am today. Great writers from my country have shown me that I can be a good writer. That the only thing that is holding me back, is me. That is so true.

I guess we’ll see what the future holds for us over the coming months. I’m not afraid as I used to be. I have my family and I have all of you, my friends. I have all I need. In therapy I learnt that I have high self-destructive instincts. For some reason I don’t think or believe, that I, as an individual, am allowed to be happy. Crazy, right? But I’m learning how to change that. So, come what may, I’m ready and I’ll even write about it.

How are you doing?

Junk-Status and all that stuff

Hello, my beautiful friends. How is everyone doing today? Brilliant I hope.

Today I feel scared. As everyone probably knows by now, South-Africa has been downgraded to junk-status. The country is full of political unrest and the last time things were this bad, I was a toddler. My mom did a good job from hiding the ugly that was going on in the country at that time. Unfortunately, this time I’m 31 years old, and unable to ignore what is happening around me.

I fear for my family’s safety. I fear the fall of our economy, and the collapse of the country. I fear the Rand (our local currency) becoming absolutely useless. The equivalent of toilet paper. This is all a possibility.

All I can do is hope for the best. And because of the economic uncertainty and lack of funds, I’ve decided to take on my own cover design for future publication projects. I have to find a way to produce an excellent product for a reasonable price. I have to start working smart with the few pennies I do have. Though, creating my own covers scares the hell out of me. I have no idea of what I'm doing.  I'm hoping to learn yet another skill. 

I will still be hiring an editor though, as that is my true weakness. I can’t always see my own mistakes and my editor teaches me something new each time.

I won’t be deterred from writing, or publishing. I will keep on doing what I love, because it speaks to my soul and makes me happy. I cannot give something like that up.

Do you want to hear something funny? My family and I fantasize about moving to Canada someday. We watch a lot of their design shows, and loved what we saw. We don’t have the funds to actually move there, but hey, dreaming that we one day might fills us with hope and joy. So, why not dream big?

I know the world has gone mad, and almost every one is facing some sort of hell at the moment, whether it be political or not. I sympathize with you my friends. I too am terrified. But do not let the fear stop you from living. Follow your dreams and cling to the things that give you hope and fill you with joy.

  

On the positive side, I managed to write a short story last month. In all honesty, I don’t know what to do with it now. Do I edit it? Do I rewrite it? Do I try to clean it up? I’ve never been in this situation. Novels are what I’m used to;)

How are you doing? Do you need a hug? I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs.

Reading into the past

Sunday evening I had a problem sleeping. It was 3 am and I didn't know what to do. So a thought occurred to me. I decided to read through my blog, but, only the very early posts. I found those first few years of posts to be very refreshing. Embarrassing and cringe worthy, but refreshing regardless.

The voice of those posts were so clear. It was so different from the voice with which I write today. What I really liked about those posts is that they were honest. I would like to think that I've kept that quality intact. I loved how I wrote from such an innocent perspective. I didn't think of myself as a writer then. I wrote like someone from the outside looking in. Though, somehow, over the years I had transitioned from the outside to the inside without me even realizing it.

I have since become a writer. I embraced the title with pride and excitement. It is still so strange how much I have changed and hadn't realized it until I read those old posts. I was such a different person back then. I hope it's not arrogant of me to say that I have grown, and have come to like myself and my writing even more. I have become so much more confident within myself, and my writing. I don't know if I would have come to this realization without therapy.

I now have to fight the urge to delete certain posts, or go back and rewrite them. I don't think it's right messing with my past. I had written those posts, and it gives me motivation to be a better blogger and writer in the future.

So, do you ever go back and look at previous posts, or photos? Do you ever look back at your past? If not, how are you doing today?

Katherine’s Mesothelioma Journey

Good Day Friends. How is everyone doing? I hope all is well. I was recently contacted to share another individual's story. This will be the last time I shall be posting on this matter. But today I would like to introduce you to Katherine.

Katherine Keys received a devastating diagnosis of mesothelioma, an aggressive cancer with nearly no hope of survival, nearly ten years ago. Today, after a difficult battle with the cancer, and with the support of a great medical team and her family, Katherine lives with some physical limitations, but hope and gratitude.

Katherine’s journey from diagnosis to remission began one day when she first noticed some of the symptoms of mesothelioma. Unfortunately these symptoms can be misleading. They often mimic much less serious and more common illnesses. Katherine simply thought she had the flu, with a cough and difficulty breathing.

Mesothelioma has a long latency period. While people like Katherine are experiencing symptoms that don’t feel that serious, the cancer is developing in the pleura, the lining of the lungs and chest cavity. Asbestos exposure most often causes this type of cancer, but by the time a person gets a diagnosis, it is usually decades after that exposure occurred. Katherine was luckier than most, and she received her diagnosis while the cancer was still in stage I.

Even with a diagnosis of stage I mesothelioma, the earliest stage of the disease when the cancer has not yet spread too far, the prognosis is not usually very good. A hope of being able to achieve remission through treatment is still minimal at this early stage. Katherine was just 49 years old at the time of her diagnosis and she was not ready to give into the disease and the poor prognosis without a fight.

She chose to go with the most aggressive treatment to have the best chance of survival and remission. Katherine underwent a radical type of surgery called an extrapleural pneumonectomy. It involved the aggressive removal of much of the tissue on one side of her chest cavity. She had the pleura removed, an entire lung, and part of her diaphragm. She then received radiation therapy after surgery to increase the chance of remission by killing any remaining cancer cells.

It took Katherine months to recover from the extensive surgery and to go through the radiation treatments. She then had to adapt to life with just one lung. She also had to get monthly checkups and screenings for cancer. The tumors were gone and had not returned a few months after the surgery, and finally a year later. At this point Katherine was considered to be in remission. Effectively, her medical team had cured her cancer, something extremely rare with mesothelioma at any stage.

Katherine is now living ten-plus years after her diagnosis, a diagnosis that came with a two-year survival rate at best as a prognosis. She has some serious limitations now, as she gets older and faces life with only one lung, but she is mostly just thrilled to be alive and to have beaten a cancer that is so tragic for most people who have it. Katherine beat the odds and she knows it. She enjoys her life now, even with her physical limitations, and feels grateful and lucky to have more time to spend with her family and friends.

He Gave Me Barn Cats blog tour

Author Maria Santomasso-Hyde is visiting today as part of her HE GAVE ME BARN CATS Blog Tour with MC Book Tours. Her book is scheduled to be released March 14 by Dancing Lemur Press.

If you’re looking for a story that will touch your heart, you’ve found it in this tender story of love, loss, and inspiration. You could win your own copy, just check out the giveaway details.

◊ He Gave Me BARN CATS
◊ by Maria Santomass0-Hyde

◊ Published by Dancing Lemur Press, L.L.C.

◊ Available March 14, 2017

◊ $10.95, 6x9 Trade paperback, 134 pages

◊ Genres: Christian Fiction / Christian Life-Death, Grief, Bereavement

◊ Print ISBN 978-1-939844-21-7 eBook ISBN 978-1-939844-22-4

◊ Order through Ingram, Follett Library Resources, or from the publisher

◊ $3.99 eBook available in all formats

Inspired by true events...

        Maria has cared for her very ill mother for many years. Her burdens are heavy, causing a sadness bordering on darkness.  When she discovers her historic barn is now home to a mother cat and kittens, she feels lighter than she has in years. As the kittens grow, they teach her as only animals can do.

          Then tragedy strikes. As Maria loses her family, the darkness envelopes her like the heavy fog that blankets her Blue Ridge Mountain home each morning. She creates a scorecard:  God: 9, Maria: 0.  Her questions turn into anger at God.  She searches to find answers as to why her loving God would take away so much in such a short time.

          How will she learn to trust again? Can the kittens in her barn help her heal?

HE GAVE ME BARN CATS is available for pre-order in print format at following sites: Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books A Million, Everything Cats, Foyles, and Chapters-Indigo.

HE GAVE ME BARN CATS is available for order in eBook format at the following sites: Barnes and Noble, Kobo, iTunes, and Amazon.

Be sure to add HE GAVE ME BARN CATS to your shelf on Goodreads.

Formerly a newspaper reporter, Maria Santomasso-Hyde now owns Alta Vista Fine Art Gallery.

She lives in Valle Crucis, North Carolina, with her husband, Lee, and The Queen of the Universe (Roma, their Black Cat) … and other Black Cats who decide to move in. Find Maria here: Facebook Page 
* Website. 

Come join the blog tour and learn more about Maria and HE GAVE ME BARN CATS by visiting the following blog:

March 7 - Joylene Nowell Butler, Suspense Author - Feature

March 8 - Rockin' Book Reviews - Guest Post

March 9 - Mello & June, It's a Book Thang! - Feature

March 10 - Defending The Pen - Excerpt

March 13 - Reviews by Crystal - Q&A

Alex J. Cavanaugh - Guest Post

March 14 - Thoughts in Progress - Review

March 15 - Open

March 16 - A Bluestocking's Place - Excerpt

deal sharing aunt - Review

March 17 - Juneta @ Writer's Gambit - Q&A

The Story of a Writer - Feature

CBY Book Club - Excerpt

March 21 - bookworm1102 - Excerpt

Storey Book Reviews - Excerpt

Celticlady's Reviews - Feature

Giveaway Details:

This is a tour-wide giveaway for two (2) print copies (U.S only) and two (2) eBooks (international). To enter just click on the Rafflecopter widget below and follow the instructions.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Hard work does pay off . . . eventually

The past few weeks has been good for my writing. I finally finished the first draft of book 2. How did I do that? I pitched up at my laptop, sat down, and wrote in multiple short sessions everyday, aside for Sundays. Certain days were 100 word days. The others were 2000 word days. I really wanted to finish it. Just to prove to myself I can, and I did.

To be honest, I finished book 2 in 2010 already. But I didn't like what I'd written. So, I think it is in the beginning of 2016 that I started over from scratch. It felt like a kick to the face at first, but I definitely like where the new version went. It is a lot darker in theme than book 1. But I needed to get the darkness out;) Besides, I wrote 40 000 words in the beginning of 2016. So I just had to add the next 50 000. If I had to start from scratch and write 100 000 words right now, I think I would cry and never stop:)

But breaking the word counts down into smaller amounts for each day is better for me. I don't tell myself, "you're gonne write 5000 words today." I tell myself "I'm going to have multiple writing sessions today. Lets see what I can get done in the first 30 minute session." In the end, every word written was a victory compared to where I had been just a few months ago. I didn't think I would ever write again. Now I feel like I can actually do this writing thing. That I have the stamina and determination.

Also, I decided to focus on production this year only. What does that mean? Simply, writing more. I want to publish a few short stories this year. I want to keep working on book 2 in The Thelum Series. I'm not going to worry about marketing. Growing or finding "my audience." I'm just going to have fun, and write this year.

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Just a reminder, Indie Author Fringe is is taking place next week. It's free and online. If you want to sign up, go here.

If you want to publish a paperback, you can get your set-up costs waived at IngramSpark. Thanks to the Indie Author Fringe. But only for a limited time. Check out the details here.

** I actually applied for this deal. Unfortunately, being from South Africa it meant I had a lot of forms to fill out for tax exemption reasons. Basically, I forgot that my intention is not to work on producing more paperbacks. I had gotten stressed and I felt lost. My focus should be my e-books. So, I didn't complete my application in full. But if paperbacks are important to you, check it out.

I personally like Createspace. Its easier for me and there are no costs for me.

Hope you guys have a lovely week.