BREATHE

I am having one of my many anxiety high moments. I am becoming slightly overwhelmed concerning my personal conflict between the person I am and the person I want to be. Say what?

I want to write. But I also need to work. Obviously the paying job gets priority, but as a person I am suffocating. I spend 8 Hours at work answering phones, helping visitors and just acting like an efficient machine for others. When I get home I have about 3-4 hours to edit, but unfortunately I also have to do other chores too. Personally I want to finish editing my manuscript. I want to write on other projects but I just don't get the time. Weekends I still don't get to just write which is highly frustrating.

I am mentally pushing myself everyday, when in reality I just don't have the time to make all the changes I have to make. Not doing what my instincts tell me is making me feel as if though I am betraying my passion, as if I am not being true to myself.

The irony is that a few years ago I stopped writing completely and almost didn't notice the absence because I was so convinced that it was for the better. But now that I have to limit my writing intentionally...it is driving me insane!

I have to constantly remind myself to just breathe. Breathe...breathe and yes...breath.

I guess what I am whining about is spending 40 hours a week pretending to smile and answering phones when I wish I could rather spend it doing what I love. I bet if that was possible there would be a lot more happy people in the world. However, nothing is more frustrating than having tons of inspiration and ideas, but being incapable of implementing it.

It feels as if the writer part of me is dying to get out but the receptionist personality is standing in her way. Why can't the uptight witch be the less prominent personality!

Breathe...breathe...breathe and breathe...

I CAN'T STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING!

What is it about life that just makes some of us think we have any say or power in what happens to us? I think it is determination. As long as there is still a breath in my body I will try and create a better life or circumstances for myself. I just can't help it. Every time I say I am going to stop being controlling I just end up being even more obsessive and determined to succeed then before.

I have done many changes to my manuscript. I am constantly pushing myself to edit more and believe it or not...I am driving myself absolutely crazy. My body screams, ''enough already!'', while my brain just pushes on and says ''just one more chapter...just one more''. Talk about being conflicted.

I know that in the end it won't matter how fast I complete this manuscript. The result will be the same. I just have to learn to pace myself. I am surprised with my own enthusiasm to start submitting. I never wanted to submit my work before but suddenly as the manuscript is taking shape and no longer looking like gibberish, I have this compulsive urge to submit my manuscript.

But I have to force myself to be calm and focus on the job at hand. I have to finish editing my manuscript. I now understand why some writers hate editing. It takes forever to do and then you still have to go make the changes on the computer. But it is all necessary, I know. I think the trick to editing is taking long regular breaks. When you get to the stage where your shoulders ache or your butt has fallen asleep then it is definitely time for a break.

EDITING AGAIN

I feel like the phrase " I'm back '' is required after my 5 day absence from the blogging world. Though I know it is not required.

I know I might get a few tongue lashings for this but I finally got my other half of my manuscript (ms) back on Monday. I got a few very helpful suggestions. I however am editing it again myself. My friend didn't suggest any drastic changes or big issues with the ms and I personally feel that drastic changes need to be made. All in all I got a lot of credit for creativity. So I am happy with that. Guess being a bit of a drama queen comes in handy after all.

I have to get back to my large stack of unedited pages. Happy writing everybody.

A LITTLE GOES A LONG WAY

I have recently decided to change my blogging habits. I am forcing myself to blog a bit less and spend more time actually writing my novel. Thus far it is working out well. I have finished a whole chapter this week so I am delighted with that.

I won't lie, I rather like blogging. It is a good way for me to vent but I'm not really good at it. I just complain a lot.

I might have very little time but I make sure that I do something productive with the little time I do have. And since I started writing full force again, I sleep like a baby. No more insomnia either.

Time

Time is still the one factor that eludes us. The one thing we can't bend or break to fit our needs. Whether we want more time to finish a deadline or the ability to go back in time to fix past mistakes, we still crave the ability to have some what control of our destiny. At least that is how I feel.

I would love to just wake up one morning and press a little remote control and go forward in time about 5 years to see if I did have the guts to submit my manuscript or if I did get published. Just that little indication that you don't have to worry about the future that everything will be OK.

However that is not the way life works. You can only ever do the best that you can do. We can't change the past, but yet we live in it. We can't predict the future, but yet we fear it. Time is completely out of our control, yet we still try our best to manipulate it.

The worst thing for me about time is the fact that you have to have a huge amount of patience. I want to start submitting my manuscript now because I feel like life is passing me by, but deep down I know my work is not ready yet. I am trying to make life work out according to my plans, instead of me needing to adapt to life's little curve balls.

Trying not to be a control freak is a daily challenge. But I have plenty of time to sort everything out. I think we as humans have to stop worrying about factors beyond our control. Easier said then done, I know. But it is a necessary step unfortunately.

CHANGE IS IN THE AIR

I woke up this morning feeling very excited. I felt like it was time for a change, so I went ahead and cut my hair pixie style. I absolutely love the result. I think short hair suits me and my personality better. I feel happy about my new hairstyle and it just makes me feel inspired.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME A CUPCAKE!

I had the biggest craving for a cupcakes at work today. I spent hours imagining all the kinds of fillings. I even thought of what one would taste like. Yum!

I know it sounds crazy, but hallucinating about cupcakes sounds like a wonderful past time to me. I didn't eat one though. It didn't fit into my calorie ratio for the day. Damn! One day...one day I will have one again. Not now though. Watching the weight and all that stuff.

But if I could dream about cupcakes, I would.